REESELAW BLOG

Children, like adults, search for ways to make sense of the world.  They listen and they observe.

They come to assign meaning to behaviors and words. Children may think that one parent “hates” the other, that a parent will be upset with them for enjoying time with the other parent, feel guilty for enjoying that time, or feel resentful because they were told of a fun event they’d miss if they spent time with the other parent. All of these examples may cause children to feel distress. 

Each child is an individual trying to make sense of their world. How do they resolve conflict? Often children assume that they are responsible for the actions of the adults. Telling them that they are not responsible bears no weight if the next disagreement or negative comment they hear relates to them in any way.

What can you do to help your children

Imagine how your child would feel if the following were to occur:  They are packed and ready for the transition ahead of time, which leaves time to find a lost toy or just relax and have fun. For some children, transitions can be stressful and difficult, but that doesn’t have to be the case. They can be positive events that model good co-parenting for them.

What is a good way to spend time with your child pre-transition? 

• Mental health experts recommend an activity such as a board game, tossing a ball, or making something yummy to eat while talking about their interests and friends and perhaps what fun they’ll have with the other parent. (It is helpful if the co-parenting relationship is positive and secure so that a parent can tell their co-parent about a fun event that is planned). 

• The parent transitioning the child speaks positively about the co-parent and the child’s time with that parent, and transitions the child(ren) to the co-parent with needed belongings while maintaining a friendly tone and facial expressions (practice helps if things are tense – it will improve with effort).

• Similarly, the receiving parent has a pleasant expression on their face, greets the other parent briefly and pleasantly, helps with bags if needed, and welcomes the child. 

• Each child is well-rested, emotionally supported in their relationship with the co- parent by the transitioning parent and each child is unencumbered by adult concerns or the worry that comes with those concerns. 

• The children are not overly-fed if you know they are to have dinner in an hour, they are in clean and properly fitting clothing suitable for the weather. They are excited to see their other parent. 

• The actual transition is smooth –   after a pleasant and quick goodbye, feeling secure in your love for them, the child happily goes to the receiving parent. 

• There may be light conversation that is child focused, or it may be, as Bill Eddy would put it, “brief, informative, firm, and friendly” (see his book “B.I.F.F.”).  If information needs to be conveyed, for example, a medication was given at a particular time for a particular reason that the other parent should be mindful about, let the children see you two cooperating for their benefit, no debates, no long-drawn out conversation – your child is listening and watching. If the information is long, put a note in a bag with the medicine or send a private message.

• No communications about subjects you disagree about should be discussed in front of children, or new subjects (such as an event requiring agreement) and if in-depth conversations should be had, it is done before or after the transition, outside the hearing and sight of the children. 

• Once the child is with the receiving parent, engage them in conversation about the days ahead and check in with them about friends and interests. You can also  set a positive tone by talking about what you each are grateful for in the moment. No interrogating – they will share what they share without pressure in a healthy and safe relationship. 

• In either role, do not focus on the other parent and do not criticize the other parent. You wouldn’t want that type of message conveyed to your child about you and it interferes with supporting healthy bonds.

What is the upside of this? 

• Having a positive and honest relationship with your child(ren). They don’t have to say things to please you; you are pleased to see them and they know that is genuine. 

• Plan ahead with the other parent so the child has the best opportunity to be well supported and comfortable in both households. 

• Your children can enjoy their childhood with less insecurity, learn how to trust and be more comfortable. They can also learn that it is okay with everyone if they love both parents, think both parents are looking out for them, and they can have a positive outlook on the joys of parenthood. (You’ll appreciate this when and if you become grandparents). Statistically speaking, children who have parents that don’t get along are less likely to marry and less likely to have children.

• Remember your relationship as co-parents is for a lifetime. Birthdays, graduations, weddings and showers. Will your child have to choose who attends and how they will spend their happy day determining how to keep a distance between two people they love? Be kind to your children by being kind to the other parent – even if they are not kind to you, your child will appreciate your sincere efforts. 

At ReeseLaw, P.C., we keep these facets in mind when assisting clients with co-parenting and custody disputes. Please contact us for a consultation to learn more.

ReeseLaw, P.C., provides comprehensive counsel and skilled representation in all aspects of family law, including evaluative consults, divorce, second-parent adoptions, child custody and support, post-decree modifications, and prenuptial and postnuptial agreements. The firm’s experienced attorneys tailor strategies to meet the unique needs of each client, whether through litigation or alternative dispute resolution methods. Recognized for their expertise, they also serve as mediators and facilitators in collaborative divorce proceedings, fostering an environment that prioritizes amicable solutions and long-term harmony. With a commitment to professionalism and compassion, the practice strives to guide individuals through challenging transitions with both clarity and care.